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UNDERSTANDING THE PSYCHOLOGICAL PROCESS
Divorce is a big step with long-term consequences. Becoming aware of the psychological and emotional aspects of your divorce will help you understand yourself and, ideally, help you grow. First you must ask yourself whether you really want to dissolve your marriage and, if so, what that entails. You should do a thorough self-examination and communicate your feelings and discoveries to your spouse.
If you find it hard to communicate, I strongly encourage you to seek outside help such as a marriage counselor, psychologist or clergy. Marriage difficulties are common. Some problems that initially seem insurmountable may be solvable if you are willing to address them by alternative methods. Before dissolving a marriage, every attempt should be made to save it.
Though it may not be possible to save the marriage in the end, the time spent in understanding yourself and the dynamics of your relationship might make the divorce go more smoothly. Better insight and improved communication will affect your own confidence regarding the divorce and the nature of the relationship between you and your spouse both during and after the divorce. In every way, it is important to become attuned to the divorce process, painful as it may be. Divorce, like marriage, presents unique opportunities for self-understanding and healing.
Below is a checklist that may help you evaluate your readiness for tackling a divorce and setting future goals for personal growth:
Emotional Aspects of Divorce
Divorce is a process of mourning. Feelings of loneliness and loss are natural phenomena of divorce and can be intense even in the presence of family and friends. At first, the desire to escape may be a strong impulse. It is important to get in touch with these feelings instead of avoiding them.
During this divorcing phase, most people plunge into seclusion, work or even another relationship. These reactions result from a need to hide and to numb the pain. In time, the need to seek refuge in the arms of another, in your work or in seclusion will wear away. You will gradually become comfortable doing activities by yourself and for yourself.
This adjustment process during a divorce will differ depending on who is the "dumper" and who is the "dumpee." Dumpers are those who end the relationship; dumpees have it ended for them. Dumpers tend to feel more guilt while dumpees often experience more rejection.
Because they have been working through the divorce mentally for some time, dumpers have an emotional "headstart" over the dumpees. At the same time, they often tend to feel more guilt. As a result, dumpers may punish themselves as a means for dealing with their guilt. They may agree to give away almost everything during the divorce as a result. Contrary to the reaction of the dumpees, dumpers express a desire to address their emotional problems by themselves. They will seek relief outside rather than within the relationship.
For the dumpee, the divorce comes most often as a surprise. This person feels totally unprepared to face the legal and emotional decisions that the dumper is "forcing" upon her/him. The dumpee may make a plea for more time or drop everything in hopes of reconciling. He or she may seek a solution to marital problems within the relationship. If no reconciliation results, the dumpee may use the divorce process to get revenge. Or, the dumpee may also continue to attempt reconciliation by making grand concessions regarding the settlement. He or she will try to hold on to the spouse until all hope of saving the marriage is gone.
Typically, feelings of anger are overwhelming during a divorce. Failure to recognize, express and channel anger can often lead to domestic violence. It is very important for divorcing couples to recognize the presence of anger. Some people acknowledge its presence through dreaming terrific fantasies, such as chopping down the trees around a spouse's home. Others may direct it into some constructive activity, for example, cleaning the house from top to bottom. The major positive aspect of channeling anger in these ways is that it is not aimed directly at the other spouse.
Expressed appropriately anger can be necessary, even constructive, during a divorce as it often helps one let go of a relationship. Ultimately, its effect is to create distance between spouses and to help them function independently of each other. The various degrees of anger during a divorce often result from the differing stages of separation in which the parties find themselves. After anger has fully been experienced, communication with the former partner can be undertaken in a more calm and rational manner. Once of paramount importance, the need to "get even" and to "blame" fade away. The focus shifts to getting on with your life.
Finally, letting go of a relationship means reinvesting your emotional energies from maintaining the relationship to maintaining yourself. Staying "good friends" throughout the divorce may be impossible. What are some of the signs that you are letting go of the relationship? Some of the more obvious ones include rarely fantasizing about being with your partner again, no longer trying to please your partner, accepting that you will not get back together with your partner and no longer creating excuses to talk with your partner. The relationship is over.
The Process of Self-Renewal
Being able to let go and to start over is closely linked to your self esteem and self concept. A positive self-image may be difficult to build, especially during a divorce. One step in that direction is to stop blaming yourself or your spouse and to start dismantling the "old ways." Gradually, you can begin creating a new self, one that makes you feel good.
One way to start is by making a list of your good points, for instance, being punctual or maintaining healthy eating habits. Clearly acknowledge each point and give yourself credit for possessing it. Then, try identifying the old negative patterns in which you were trapped during your past relationship and try breaking away from them. A great part of renewal is being able to learn from past experience. This is particularly difficult because it often involves recognizing and breaking old trends of role playing. It is crucial that as a divorcing person you assess how your relationship was balanced. For instance, did you give too much, or did you rely too much on what your spouse had to offer? By recognizing these patterns of "over-responsibility" and "under-responsibility," it becomes possible to change the balance and, in the future, have better, more equal love relationships.
In addition, ending a relationship does not end the habits and problems that preceded it, or which led to its demise. Many divorcing persons are forced to address questions that were avoided years before the divorce. Two stages indicative of these unanswered questions are commonly referred to as the "shell phase" and the "rebel phase". In the shell phase one lives to please others rather than striving to meet his/her own personal needs. One is constantly caught between deciding whom to please, such as parents, spouse or children.
The rebel stage results from an attempt to define oneself against authority. For example, a middle aged man who suddenly turns into a playboy wearing flashy clothing, showing outward self-centeredness and dating women substantially younger than himself. The person experiencing this phase is usually not aware of what he or she is actually rebelling against.
In the quest for a new image of yourself, friends, both old and new, can be important resources in the process of self-renewal. Close friends, who love you as you are, can offer a vast reservoir of security. However, some of your old friends may have difficulty dealing with your divorce and feel uncomfortable with divided loyalties. Remaining open to new friendships will help your healing process. Search for safe friendships, seek people who interest you or with whom you have common interests. You may also find strength in support groups, such as Divorce Lifeline or Parents Without Partners. It may surprise you that others will take an interest in you and understand your current situation.
Singleness does not have to mean loneliness. Accepting singleness can be a terrific source of strength and self-renewal for a divorced person. Living life as a single allows you to build confidence in yourself enabling you to meet your needs. The most important aspect of being single is learning to be comfortable within yourself. If you marry, it is because you choose to do so, not because you can't live alone.
One of the great foundations of renewal after divorce is being able to trust again members of the opposite sex. After divorce, this is sometimes a difficult step. To build trust you must be open, even when it exposes you to the risk of rejection or disappointment. By approaching relationships slowly, with caution and openness, you can develop a trusting and healthy relationship that is founded on your increased sense of self-esteem and genuine respect for another individual.
Learning to love again and having a healthy relationship can truly begin only when you are able to define yourself in your own terms. At this stage, personal choices are made not to please others or in defiance of others, but rather as conscious decisions based on self-understanding, self respect and emotional well-being. Reaching this goal may take a long time, but the journey is definitely worth it.
If possible, seek out the services of a therapist trained in dealing with persons going through emotional transitions. The emotional divorce process is a journey that can take months, even a year or so. It is very helpful to have a guide on that journey, a person to whom you can safely confide your feelings of grief, anger, denial and, finally, acceptance.
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