Asking good questions is an important negotiation technique. It actively involves both spouses and increases both sides' understanding of the other's bargaining position. How the client asks questions is almost as important as the content of the questions. Each question contains a hidden message, each question takes on the character of a demand, and each answer is potentially a concession.

Here are some basic rules to give your client about asking questions:

1. Do not ask questions likely to antagonize your spouse unless you want to open old emotional wounds.
2. Take time to formulate your questions well in advance of the negotiations.
3. Do not ask questions which cast doubt on your spouse's integrity.
4. Ask follow up questions if you get an evasive answer.
5. Have the courage to ask dumb questions.
6. Listen carefully to the answers.

Often, I will reinforce these principles by videotaping the client in a simulated negotiating environment. I have found this to be an excellent format for training even the most obdurate clients in negotiation techniques. Particularly in custodial cases, where emotions run high, the videotape preparation with a few subsequent viewings builds confidence while defusing the emotional risks. Studies show that clients who appear on videotape also feel more comfortable with their self image after a couple of viewings of themselves.

Types of Negotiating Questions a Client Should Consider:

It helps the client immensely if you can practice various negotiation scenarios prior to sending the client to the bargaining table. Role playing is especially useful. Besides instilling confidence, the exercise may provide some new ideas about how to get the case settled that occurred to neither of you acting alone. Described below are some typical concerns that my clients have raised, as well as solutions thereto.

The Directive Question

"If my husband doesn't want to negotiate directly with me, how do I ask him questions to lead him to the bargaining table?"
Answer: Don't start out by addressing your primary objective first. Rather, ask him whether he wants the Jeep or the Cadillac in the final settlement. He will have to mention one of the cars, or at least say "neither". Then ask him to explain why. He probably will and if he does, you can move in for the big question, namely, whether he will bargain some other items with you as well.
By asking directive questions, you are seeking answers about specific issues, not the big issue of whether you will negotiate. Your questioning, which requires specific responses, will encourage him to get involved, perhaps sufficiently to get him out of his apathy and into negotiations.

The Open Ended Question

"What if he is afraid to be pinned down at this stage?
Answer: Use open-ended questions. You will still have his attention and maybe he will be more at ease with questions that allow him to determine the response. As an example, ask him how he would determine the value of the Jeep and the Cadillac. Or ask him to explain which car he thinks you should have in the final settlement. Ask him if he thinks the long term maintenance on the Jeep would have any impact on who should get that car. Ask how he feels about both of the cars. These are non-directive questions which tend to encourage fuller answers and keep the other spouse involved in the negotiation process.

Questions to get your spouse thinking

These kinds of questions, while non-committal on your part, will get your spouse thinking about bargaining with you:
"Would you consider taking both cars, and giving me cash equivalents?"
"What do you think of this idea?"
"What if I took the red car?"
"Would you like a proposal from me first?"

Questions to provide information.

These types of questions provide food for thought and invite additional response:
"Did you know the law guarantees me at least 50% of our property, plus some maintenance?"
"Have you read the latest court decision on divisibility of a medical practice?"
"If I understand you correctly, you are afraid I am going to ask for maintenance, aren't you?"
"Have you heard that my lawyer got the outstanding lawyer of the year award from his bar association?"

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