One client, a therapist, recalls negotiating advice which helped her work out a parenting plan agreement with her spouse:

1. Carefully choose a location where you wish to negotiate and be fully aware of your own body language and position. (For example, I made sure I sat in the desk chair while John sat lower down on the couch).
2. Know when you need to take a break. For me, it was when I started to cry.
3. Plan discussion topics ahead of time. Write an outline and stick to it. Take notes as you talk, so you can refer to them later. Date the notes.
4. Read, read, read. Know your options, and always have a "Plan B" ready! My favorite saying is: "Success in life is how well you do in Plan B".

Another client, a successful businessman, found it hard to keep his temper when negotiating with his wife over the level of access time she was allowing him with his children. He reported that it helped to write out the following guidelines and practice with a script just before engaging in direct negotiations:

1. Remember that you are the adult.
2. Keep a vision of what you want.
3. When angry, mentally and slowly count to five.
4. Ask your spouse for a few moments to collect your thoughts.
5. Take some deep breaths.
6. Don't respond immediately. Think out your answer.

My client wrote out the following scripts in anticipation of the criticism the mother would direct at him during the negotiations:

If she says, "I've been the primary caregiver," I will say:

Historically, it's true that you have done certain things, just as I have. You took care of doctor visits and I took Amy to church. You arranged day care, and I cared for the kids on the weekends so you could work. While we were married, there was a balance of durites that naturally evolved from our individual availability, not from lack of willingness or failure to take responsibility.

If she says, "Your job came first. You worked long hours, and we moved all over the place," I will say:

It is true that I've spend my career at the corporation in tough, demanding positions. I did this to be able to provide the best environment for the children. Unfortunately, a 9-5 Monday through Friday career nets about $30,000 per year, which is not enough to provide for the children all the advantages that my career has provided. I am sure you'll recall that each time I was asked to move, it was for a promotion and more money, and I always wanted you and the children to move with me to keep the family together. It was your career motivation and was your choice to remain here and not keep us all together.

If she says, "You're not doing this because you want more time with the kids. You're financially motivated," I'll say:

I believe everyone has a right to a relationship with both parents. I have regrets about time lost with the kids--time that can never be regained. I will not be a part-time financial father. I should be a full partner in parenting them. They need both a mother and a father, not just a mother and a check once a month.

If she says, "Amy doesn't want to be with you", I'll say:

It's true that Amy is angry about the situation. I have talked with my counselor at length about it. In many ways, her reactions were very predictable. Amy's feelings are the best reason for her and me to spend more time together, not less. She needs to understand, through input from both of us, that the divorce is an issue between you and me, that she's not at fault, and that we both love her as we always have. My spending more time with her will enable me to reinforce with her our unique relationship. I am the only father she'll ever have and she's my daughter. She needs to believe that we both value her. If I were present in her life just four days per month, it would put an unnatural barrier between us.

If she says, "What about last summer?", I'll say:

Last summer was an anomaly and cannot be used as the norm for evaluation. The past fifteen years and my current behavior substantiate this. Because I was making some very tough decisions about my life, and because my decisions would affect the kids, I was under tremendous stress. In retrospect, it may have been better had I left earlier than I did to spare everyone the struggle I went though. I didn't, but nonetheless, you cannot judge my abilities as a father based on a 30-day period of intense emotional duress.

If she says, "Amy doesn't want to be around your girlfriend," I'll say:

Amy does not have a problem with Bea personally. Each time they've been together, they had a great time. What Amy has a problem with is her father's relationship with any woman other than her mother. My discussions with my counselor and the extensive reading I've done indicate that this is normal behavior for a girl her age in this situation. It is our job as parents to help her understand that adults have relationships--it's normal. I have a relationship that's committed, and long term. I'm sure you will do the same. Amy needs our guidance to see this as a normal lifestyle and to accept it as such. Keeping her away from Bea only reinforces that there's something wrong with two adults caring for one another. We want her to grow up with positive role models of caring relationships between men and women.

This started out as a very acrimonious divorce. The father had left the family for another, younger woman. The mother's anger was evident through the negotiations and the father wisely allowed her to ventilate. The emotional costs to him were quite high, however, until he scripted out these responses and gained control of the agenda. Happily, the case settled and, because they had actually relearned how to communicate with each other, these parents were able to continue direct negotiations two years later when the father's job took him 2,500 miles away. My involvement as an attorney consisted only of drafting and entering their agreed modification to their parenting plan.

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